Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
isnt it creepy that our bodies make people
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
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