If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
he said "you're pretty" then i made out with him. thats all it took
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize
