I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
you were crying because peter frampton wasnt your dad
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
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