Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
