I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt
He is into some weird shit i walked in his room last night he was waving his hard dick around hitting shit yellin cock fight
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
Randomize
