$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
He is saved in her phone as Sir. Mindfuck <3/ vag cleaner of course I need to meet him.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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