It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Got a stripper to howl at my wolf shirt.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Im playing lifeguard in my own bathroom. How's ur night?
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Can you repeat that, but with context?
We shared a dick. We're practically sisters!
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
