Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
He legit asked if he could come over for a hug. I feel like I've been booty called by a 12 year old.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
I got carried to one bar. Got a piggy back ride to the next bar. I was just testing our drinking team for st pattys day to make sure they are able to handle me more drunk than that.
I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
