come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Yeah kinda weird. My grandparents are here for dinner and I'm chilling on the couch close to tripping out on pain killers. My pap asked me how works going and I prettymuch drooled on myself as an answer.
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Your "whiskey dick" is glorious but also terrifying
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
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