i am sorry to ask, but i need y0ur honest opinion . when i turn sideways to someone, does my nose stick out like a beak ?
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Do you know how many guys' fantasies I've been told I'm a part of lately?!
Just 2. But still.
I just saw a guy in a hazmat suit riding a tractor.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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