life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
So I went to daintily fall onto my bed like I was in a hotel commercial and I completely missed my matress and landed on my floor. Just thought u should know.
Yeah I was convinced everyone knew I was high. Time was passing way too slowly for anyone NOT to notice.
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Also we had sex while listening to fleetwood Mac on vinyl. Like the 70s called and told me to fuck off
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
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