he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
