Define "chronic" masturbator.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
I NEED YOU HERE TO KNOCK THE MALT BEVERAGES OUT OF MY MOUTH
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
i was trying to figure out what "tidy fucking" was when i realized he meant "titty fucking" and i need to start banging smarter people....
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Randomize
