dude. late night with jimmy fallon isnt even funny. the people in the audience there to see him dont even think hes funny.
kinda like you and your friends.
Some milfs here doing some blow
Dad?
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I just remember her dragging me inside in a panic saying we needed mentos and popcorn I have no fucking clue how we ended up asleep in her closet.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
We are such grown women, dealing with life's problems one shower beer and reckless makeout session at a time.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
