Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
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