I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
do you know how hard it is to pee with a pumpkin in the toilet ?
I totally just found ecstasy floating around in the bottom of my purse, it's almost like good karma from the time I lost that blow...but not quite
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I don't want to resort to having sex with people that actually like me.
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
