My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
I'm a grown ass woman. Treat me like one. Fuckboy
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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