you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
