Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
so the situation is a+b=c where "a" is how much you weight, "b" is my gravitational pull, and "c" is how erect your penis is.
I told you not to have sex with her on my futon
I didnt dude, i swear!
either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon
i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
IM FILLED WITH SANDWICHES AND SELF LOATHING
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