I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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