She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
Well he's not exactly single.. It's like an open relationship his wife doesn't know about
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
That's like a fucking falcon or some shit. I don't know birds but I know that is not a bird you fuck with.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
