I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Just bought shock top, Trojans, double shots and baby oil. At 8 am. While the lady in front of me bitched about her expired coupons.
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
