He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
So then I proceeded to the kitchen to make my "specialty," which consisted of a frozen veggie burger topped with peanut butter. I guess he ate it too.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
