we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
So I've reached a new low. After completing my walk of shame and being told "see you around", I took off my heels to discover he had came in my shoe.
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
