Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I barely trust you with my tinder, why would I let you take the staples out of my head?!
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Like Napoleon Dynamite?
Exactly like Napoleon Dynamite
But with bacon.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
Randomize
