i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
im surrounded by empty glasses of chocolate milk WTF
I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
We woke up next to each other with a mutual look of disgust, and then he left. I knew I should have gone for the younger brother.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
My sister can't give you a handjob and us still be bros.
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