Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Don't remember anything. Melissa just said I kept saying welcome to the bat cave
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Come by so you can take a pregnancy test with me. It's like my monthly ritual!
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
