Do you still have your period?
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
whoevers yellow car is in your driveway right now... i plan to steal. just an FYI
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