my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
I am disappointed by everyone's lack of ability to dance on a stripper pole:(
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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