I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.
You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
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