I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
I always ask when they're due. It's the nicest way for me to let her know the rest of the world can tell she's putting on weight too
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
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