I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
you said "this ones for the homies" and proceeded to pour the shot into your other cup instead of the ground b/c "good liquor is not meant to wasted no matter the circumstances"
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
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