I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
Made out with me girlfriend while she was peeing. all time high, or all time low?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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