i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
should my penis look like a turkey
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
