Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
These 5 days benders will be the death of me. Just living and breathing is a struggle right now.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
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