My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
This band has the most fuckable violin player I have ever seen.
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Randomize
