oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
