I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
She bit a glass in half.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Why is there a horse in the backyard?
I stayed at my gfs last night. This is all on you.
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