I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
