I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
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