I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
