dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
The secrurity code on my debit card is 420, can not lose this card.
Can u please come get me. My car keys are gone. Somehow I ended up sleeping in my trunk
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
God, I missed his penis.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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