I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Randomize
