So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
