if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Just told my shrink " this was a year for whoring around"
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
She ripped her shorts off and yelled "VAGINA TIME!"
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize
