I think I am morally bankrupt
Apparently I added "small children" to my likes on facebook. glad to know that's where my subconscious is at.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Hiding in a kitchen with no pants orange juice abs a pillow...please joun
I haye tequella
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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