Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
he knocked over the vodka and juice...picks up the cup and says "yes", takes the last sip...doesnt even worry about the mess all over the floor and we continue having sex.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Want to meet at a cool spot and just park like cops side-by-side and you can eat some potatoes and I can smoke a cigarette in your face?
Randomize
