UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
by the way- Brandy out of a doggy bowl was AMAZING
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
We only initially bonded over boobs and sarcasm
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
we are currently pregaming for our walk to the liquor store.
step one: admitting you have a problem. complete.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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