I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Nothing kills the mood when I am hooking up on the dance floor like the DJ saying Happy Valentines.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
it's like i'm your dad, but instead of reminding you to bring your lunch to school i remind you to take a good long hit from your bong.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
