my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
