I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
I kinda got drunk and threw my debit card into a bonfire so I don't have any money at the moment lol.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
I use my feet as sexual weapons
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
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