Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
We kind of broke a table making out. So yes, I'd say it was successful.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I've never seen so much of my blood outside me. After the initial shock it was kind of cool.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
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