I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
I don't think he knows what shame means anymore. He gave some bar slut his sisters Tiffanys necklace, in exchange for anal.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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