paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
If it wasnt for meatballs I would have fucking killed myself already.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
made out with three guys on the first night of college orientation, just imagine what joys all of next year will hold
There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Sorry if that was awkward, i will never call you sober ever again
Randomize
