***** fucked a guy with one hand last night
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
That would be an interesting position... Not entirely certain how that'd work!
Gravity is no match for my libido
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Sorry, Geoff can’t come to his phone right now. He’s outside trying to show his dick to a bachelorette party bus with “DTF” written on the windows
Randomize
