You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
All I can think of is a mama duck followed by her baby ducks, in brightly colored track shoes.
How high are you?
I'm missing my left shoe, and there's a note on my foot (in my handwriting) that says "HAHA BITCH" Any explanation for this?
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
Randomize
