I think I am morally bankrupt
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
If i die in the snow, get to my laptop and delete all of the nickelback. password is "barry"
as in "white"?
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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