please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Randomize
