I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Oh shit. My drunken car sex is on Google Earth.
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
He said he loves me but he haven't eaten me out yet. So I don't think he means it.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
